A New Strategy for the Squeamish

If you read the interviews with the people who supported Prop 8 in California, you’ll find the a surprising number of them actually support the rights of gay couples, and believe that those in a committed same-sex relationship ought to have all the same rights as marriage. In fact, the virulently anti-gay crowd seems to only be a relatively small minority of the Prop 8 supporters–most are more fair-minded than that. They just… don’t… want us to call it marriage, because that’s a “special” term that has “historically” always been about a man and a woman. A “civil union” or “domestic partnership” however would be A-OK.

Well! We’ve been going about this whole struggle for equal rights thing all wrong, it seems. People seem to be much more amenable to the idea of gays having equal rights when you just use a different term for it, so that those squeamish heteros won’t have to actually equate us with themselves in their mind. Obviously this is the case with the preference of “civil union” to “marriage”, but it’s also the case in other areas too!

Take for instance the subject of whether or not gays should be allowed to adopt children. Well of course no and hell no is the resounding answer on that! To the “children” part, that is, not to the “adoption” part. I mean, think about it! Children can only be formed from the joining of male and female sex cells–clearly this is a bastion of heterosexuality if ever there was one. So let those gay couples adopt those orphans who otherwise wouldn’t have a home… just don’t allow them to use the word “child” or “children” to describe them! Instead, give them the word “dependent”. Same legal meaning, same legal rights, etc., but clearly a less offensive alternative for certain individuals to think about, and a subtle acknowledgement of where children really come from. *wink at the breeders*

In this spirit, I’ve started working on a handy translation guide for us uppity gays to use when politely asking a squeamish majority for our rights. With a completely separate lexicon, we’ll win the hearts and minds of our countrymen in no time!

Terms Reserved for the Majority	Terms the Majority Feels Better About Us Using
Marriage	Civil Union
Divorce	Civil Disjunction
Family	Civil Conglomeration
Child/Children	Dependent(s)
Parent/Mother/Father/Mom/Dad/Mommy/Daddy	Legal Guardian
Godparent	Extended Legal Guardian
Hospital Visitation	Partner Commiseration Time
Funeral	Farewell Party
Alimony	Hedonism Re-Entry Fee
Child Support	Dependent Abandonment Fee
Widow/Widower	Reconfirmed Bachelor/Reconfirmed Bachelorette
Home	Fudge-packing Facility/Carpent-munching Facility
Friends	Fellow sodomites / fag enablers
Happiness	Carnal reverie
Equality	Illusion of normalcy

We shouldn’t be fighting for equality, as we broken, twisted, abnormal, 10%-of-the-population-or-less homosexuals can’t (and shouldn’t) ever be considered “equal” in the classic sense of the word. However, if we try really hard and ask nicely, the majority might just indulge us in our desire to have an illusion of normalcy, allowing us to pretend to do things that normal people do in their normal lives. Plus, they get the benefit of being smugly amused by our strange approximations to their own lives, which helps reinforce their own inner feelings of superiority! See, something for everyone!

Thanks a lot, California.

Thanks a fuckin’ lot.

Party’s up, guys! Back in the closet, everyone!

A Day for the Old Man

Today is my father’s 50th birthday.

I’ve never been close with my father, for various reasons, none of which I care to enumerate here. We’ll just say that he’s always lived a very self-centered life and that I am somewhat appalled by some of his lavish excesses and his general lack of moderation. So to celebrate, I’m taking him and my stepmother out for dinner. Nice eh? I’m sure during the proceedings, I’ll hear lots about how Obama is the Antichrist and will get fielded lots of questions about my love life so they can ascertain whether or not I’ve found any nice Southern girls or whatever. Ugh. I would have the talk with them, but I wouldn’t want to jeopardize the materialistic, casual relationship I’ve developed with them over the years. Plus, I don’t want to be written out of the will.

Definitely a damper on the Memorial Day holiday.

Magic Medicine, Altered States

Well I can now speak to the efficacy of fish oil, as I finally had some bloodwork done today as part of my employer’s health assessment regimen. I started taking it about a year ago (at only 1/2 the recommended dosage, mind you), and it’s lowered my triglycerides from 247 to 126. That’s pretty damn impressive for something that just comes from nature! I am now a true believer and have become a fish oil evangelist for all my fatty-food favoring friends and family. Huzzah!

I’ve also been experiencing the interesting triple whammy of allergies, some kind of fever-and-nausea-inducing bug, and mysterious back pain in my lower right side. The latter I think I have mostly fixed, as I discovered one of the slats of wood under my box springs that keeps them level had slipped out. So I shoved it back under the leg of the box springs and since I’ve been sleeping on a more level bed, the pain has gone away considerably. But the other two nasties have really laid me out–especially given the fact that I’m also going through withdrawal from the happy meds.

When I have a fever, I get a little dizzy as it is, but the absence of the happy meds in my system has caused even more dizziness and light-headedness, so I’m not really at my optimal self right now. I’m trying to make the best of a bad situation by using my altered perceptions creatively; I’ve been some interesting things since I’ve been this way. Oh, and I’ve also discovered dream machines.

Dream machines are these neat devices used to create hallucinatory effects in the viewer by merely staring at them with your eyes closed. The term “dream machine” was coined by Brion Gysin many years ago, but the concept (and the use) is as old as human civilization, as mystics from indigenous tribes all over the world would create similar effects by staring at spinning, illuminated objects. You can try out a virtual dream machine online, but I wouldn’t recommend it unless you’ve done some reading on the subject first, nor would I recommend it if you are the least bit sensitive to flashing lights.

How You’ll Win the Game

I’m still in the process of figuring out what my long-term goals are for myself. I’m only able to see maybe a couple of years down the road, but after that, the possibilities open up considerably. Once I’ve earned pension at my place of employment (set to happen in Jan. 2011) and once I’ve paid off my grandmother’s car (I bought her one last October because she’s never had a new car), I will be free to make a drastic paradigm shift if I so desire. But even taking that into account, I don’t know what I want out of life, or what goals I should be striving for.

What are your own plans?

New Monitor Eye Candy W00T W00T W00T

I now own a brand spanking new monitor! Now all’s I gotta do is install it and I’ll be experiencing the wonders of the Internet in *style*.

This occasion calls for some eye candy!

Whoa… I’d better stop there. Might post something a little edgier after the new piece is in place… stay tuned!

Meat Love

It’s About To Get Interesting…

After giving it much thought, I’ve decided to slowly wean myself off my happy pills. I can already feel a bit of the ol’ Josh coming back to me… wilder, more uncouth, and a bit more unstable. Hopefully I’ll be able to harness all this raw energy and not end up like this…

Love Lessons Learned

At this point, I’ve had a handful of relationships. Some have ended on more or less amicable terms, others… not so much. But the good thing about all of them is that I feel I’ve taken something away from them, that they’ve been learning experiences for me. One of the best things about being in a relationship is that it helps us realize things about ourselves that we might have never noticed otherwise. Plus, these experiences have helped me get a better idea of what kind of person it is I’m looking for. Here’s what I’ve got so far:




Person	Lessons Learned	Missing Attributes
Asa	-. Long-distance relationships can be very difficult, but strangely enough, have some benefits too. -. There's nothing wrong with dreaming, but it's also important to stay realistic. -. Love can be a framework for stability through all of life's harshest events.	-. Motivation -. Faith/Trust in Love
Billy	-. Don't let feelings blind you to reality--especially when dealing with convicted felons. -. Being with the cousin of someone you really want to be with isn't nearly as satisfying as one might think.	-. Honesty -. Compassion -. Sincerity -. Sobriety -. Maturity -. Any sense of responsibility
Jesse (aka First Kiss Guy)	-. Be wary of people you meet via online dating sites--willingness is no substitute for desire. -. Never trust a man late for the first date. -. Zodiac compatibility charts are not 100% accurate.	-. Masculinity -. Directness -. Sincerity
Jeff (aka Cub Guy)	-. There are people out there who like me just the way I am and don't want me to change. -. People who get off on sleeping with people who are already in a relationship are a little scary. -. My dislike of moustaches is vindicated.	-. Fidelity / A desire for commitment -. Willingness to compromise
J.R. (aka The Rock Star)	-. There actually are people out there who have similar interests to my own, even local people, if I just look hard enough. -. The ability to feel and convey emotion is absolutely critical in a relationship. -. Variety in the sack, and a little romance, is essential.	-. Emotional openness -. Seriousness about important things -. Lack of inhibition -. The ability to prioritize
Josh	???	???

To be continued… I guess…

Poetry Animations

Apparently there is a person who takes photographs of famous authors and digitally alters them to create “movies” of the authors reciting their most famous works. In some cases, when there exists a recording of the author, the audio of the author’s actual voice is used. However, in most cases, they have a voice actor reading the work. Some of them are a little exaggerated but others, like this one, are at least somewhat “plausible”.

Of course, I thought Lewis Carroll was creepy even before seeing this–now I’m convinced of his malevolence.