New Guy? Not So Much.
I must try to not make this post disrespectful. It will be difficult…
You know that guy that I alluded to a little while back, while updating you on my various paramours? Well, we’ve been on a couple of dates since then, and they were high gay affairs. Most likely, the few times I’ve been out with him have been the gayest evenings in my entire life. Let me try to sum up the experience, without embellishment, in a single sentence:
Sipping Cape Cods in the Presidential suite of the five-star hotel, with the “Style” channel on in the background, the coked-up former drag queen from Dallas took a long drag from his cigarette and revealed that he had voted for John McCain and is opposed to same-sex marriage.
Not bad, but it omits some details… hmm… let’s see…
As I drank a stoutly-poured screwdriver in his father’s posh townhouse, with Beyonce’s “Single Ladies” playing in the background, ______ told me all about his Episcopalian leanings, his umbilical relationship with his mother, and the fact that I could “park my car in his garage anytime.”
I know I’m leaving out some fabulosity, but you get the general idea. Not my type, I’m afraid…
Toddlerpede “Amelia” Gives You Hallucinogenic Wallpaper
AMELIA: Check out Drempels! It’s a free utility that animates your desktop and makes it look like a Winamp visualization of some kind! You can leave your desktop in motion while you do other things! I could stare at this for hours!
AND I DO.
Toddlerpede “Janey” Gives You Special Music
JANEY: What a performance!
Hey Boys, In Case You Were Wondering…
I love this ad.
Updates on Paramours
I have quite a rogue’s gallery to report on now…
- Asa is doing well. He now has a new boyfriend and he seems to be over a good many of his issues. He still has a few left–I can’t imagine any gay man who didn’t have some issues. Asa and I still talk on a regular basis, still chat on the computer, and still fall asleep each night talking to each other. The boyfriend thing is a little awkward at times, but as I told him, we’ve been through everything together, and men may come and go, but we’ll always be there for each other…
- Billy, the smooth-talking country boy who was my first time, is back in jail. Did I ever mention in the original posts that he was a convicted felon? I didn’t? Oh. Well, yeah, he was a convicted felon out on probation. When I was having dinner with Luke the other night, he told me that Billy was back in jail again, this time on felony charges of fraud and criminal impersonation. Somehow I wasn’t too surprised. I don’t think he’s capable of living in normal society, poor guy. Ah well, he treated me like shit, so no love lost.
- First Kiss Guy (see here) has vanished, and I can only assume he’s still being an asshole. It’s just as well, too; he was 100 lbs heavier in real life than in his profile picture and he was hung like a mouse.
- Cub Guy is presumably doing well; I see him online all the time and we do still chat occasionally. I don’t think I ever blogged about him. We only went on a couple of dates back in early November, then I happened to get very sick and we couldn’t see each other for a while. It kind of fizzled out, as I found his beard to be too scratchy. I also found out from Ginger’s crazy neighbors Blake and James that he was somewhat of a slut, as he had a fetish for sleeping with men who were already in committed relationships, gay and “straight” alike. (Actually, he himself told me about his fondness for married men…) So… with that concern, I sort of let this one go via attrition.
- The rock star is doing ok. We still talk a couple of times a week, and I still hang out with him. I still care very deeply about him, and I think he does me too. Once you’ve been in a relationship with someone, it seems hard to completely rid yourself of them once it ends. Besides, ours was a very informal relationship anyway, much closer to being a “friends with benefits and the L-word” relationship than being a “standard” boyfriends relationship. Who knows, maybe after getting burned by the wild caprices of “standard” gay men out there, I might find his casual approach to be more endearing… We sort of left the door open to that. He thinks I need more experience and more time to figure out exactly what it is I want. The thing that makes me sad to think about though is… I know that to him, I was exactly what he wanted.
I had a date last night too, but since it’s a brand-new person, that will have to come with a different post…
Simian Sophistication
Who says monkies ain’t got no class?!
The original title of this post was “Obviously Not Relatives of Travis, The Face-Ripping, Hand-Amputating Chimpanzee”.
On Being a No-Count Asshole
It was never my intention to break up with the BF on Valentine’s Day. Nor was it my intention to break up with him the day before his birthday. But that’s exactly what happened last night.
He had told me I’d never see him cry… but I saw him cry last night.
The split was on more or less good terms; we laid in bed for two hours afterward and embraced and told each other we loved each other. It was simply a sad realization that in general, I need certain things from a relationship and he needed certain different things, and we weren’t too compatible in that regard. It doesn’t mean I don’t like him, or even love him, because I do, and he does me. I have no intention of vanishing from his life, nor does he from mine. We talked about that for a long time last night.
I was more distraught about the whole thing than he was, but that was part of the problem–he has an uncanny, sometimes unnerving ability to keep his emotions at bay. But compassion… he wouldn’t let me leave until he had burned me some DVDs with comedy, music videos, and other stuff that he thought I’d like.
“You don’t have to give me all this right now,” I said, “I’ll be back over here tomorrow.”
“Oh yeah…” he said, and apologized. I think he was operating under the impression that I’d never see or speak to him again.
I spent the night at home, crying. This was the first time I’d been the one to end things in a relationship, and I felt horrible because of it. The knowledge that it was ultimately the right thing to do for me to find someone who meets my emotional needs was cold comfort to someone reeling from having broken their lover’s heart.
New Implements
So with the massive amount of suck going on in my life right now, I did the only sensible thing: I bought a new computer. I can best sum up my feelings about the new machine with the following emoticon: ^_^
My younger brother is getting more involved with techie stuff, including the recreational building of computers, so I commissioned this latest box from him. It’s an older box that he had assembled himself last year and then partially disassembled when he used parts of it to build his current computer. So, I had him rebuild the older box for me with a few new pieces (including a new hard drive). It was a good deal, since he assembled it and even installed the operating system and my old software on it for me. I consider it $500 well spent–it was probably more cost-effective for me to get a new computer this way, and it gave him some more practice at his hobby/potential career move.
I am a bit embarrased that I let 5 years get behind me between changing computers. My old machine still worked sufficiently well for my purposes, but it was starting to show its wear, and I figured that I’d better go ahead and get a new one now, before I lose my job or get a paycut, either of which is a distinct possibility in the mid-March timeframe.
Steeplechasing
it was mental underground town with watery symbols down drawn cymbals sick sound
crashing around in my memory
black blood blew around copper mary magdalene–wind spurt snuff like dust
drippy silk pillows with symmetrical stains and shattered bits of jellied brains
skill cut skull dust black symbols down watery drawl
finding the lost and feeling the lost
finding the loss and feeling the loss
we jumped out the fucking raft
crossed the stygian morass and drowned unknowingly
the holders of the sign and rollers of the rope got quiet and faded away
but there was something just around the corner
and still we kept going
down here’s the best, down here’s the rest,
down here’s the ones with no eyes left to weep for shattered sensibilities
down here’s the feet that walk not to the oppression of the oppressors
here’s a true cutter
here’s a ruddy and hale victim of scarlet prognosis
we found them sitting there huddled in a shadowed mass
in a crag in a cliff in a hole in a trench in a faraway, neverwhere place
with no light left to see and only one soul to share between them
(small bites removed as it got passed around)
skin like flint and hair like wire
and all the treasures of a broken empire stacked neatly and labeled
all around the null space
watery sounds and gurgles as they etched the eldritch signs and stammered
of long-lost glories and forgotten princes, shamed princesses, loyal hounds,
and vestiges of castles of fine glass poised on the pinpoint of a cloud
they hardly saw us, they hardly knew us, there was a bit of shine
that was little more than an axiomatic mucosal response
and something like a mirror or a hole in a tub
drew us closer closer closer
compassion pity dreams remembrance familiarity fury curiosity
thought those jewels flew past our ears but maybe it was a dream
and compulsion–raised hand and placement…
it felt nothing
and we felt nothing
and the company little noted when its ranks increased
we assume
somewhere near the surface
the deep divers reeled in their loss
and the expedition was called off
for that which was sought was with us all along–
and mud in the hand of an anesthetized god
is good as lucre and twice as abundant
The Old Popularity Index
