New Feature: Audio Comments
I would like to direct your attention to the new box over on the left-hand side of my blog. This is a free service provided by MyChingo that allows you, my wonderful readership, to leave audio comments! You can sign up for a free account, and you too can allow your readers to record their own messages for you.
Enjoy!
UPDATE: I’ve found a way to make all messages default to private first. Now, all messages have to be specifically designated as public before they show up in the box. If you have something you’d like to say that you don’t want others to hear, go ahead and leave a message, and I’ll keep it private.
Inspiration of the Day
World-renowned physicist and author Stephen Hawking recently had a chance to fulfill a dream of his: experiencing weightlessness. I’d heard about this a couple of days ago but hadn’t seen any pictures, until now.
Now that is happiness.
Click here to read more about his flight.
The Funeral of the Neglected
Though this technically should fall under the purview of The V-Files, I am posting this separately by special request of ZACL (menhir). These three posts were originally posted March 3-5, 2006. I will soon be making my rounds to the various familial graves in my area, including that of my great aunt, to put out spring flowers and to meditate upon the human condition.
Part 1.
Once again death has arrived at my backdoor. This time, a relative of mine, a great aunt who was the last living sibling of my last living grandfather, has departed. She died this morning and apparently wasn’t in pain, but one of the last things she said before she slipped into unconsciousness was “I don’t want to die.”
I am to be a pallbearer at her interrment on Sunday. I have never done that before.
I am strangely indifferent to this. When a mind becomes conditioned to death, its sting is not so surprising, its unexpectedness a familiar facet of the shared human experience of settling for the few fleeting moments of happiness that can be found amidst the inky-black sea of futility and nothingness.
The worst part of her death was that the poor woman led a truly miserable life. I am more saddened that she never truly lived than I am about her demise. I won’t go into the details of her life, because they are for the most part terrible, but trust me here, the woman’s life was nothing short of tragic.
I am not looking forward to lending my services on Sunday. A relative who abused me as a child is also going to be a pallbearer. It will be a long and uncomfortable ride to the cemetery in the back of that hearse.
There’s nothing like a death every now and then to bring everything back to square one, and force you to think about the true nature of life. What is important, and what is trivial? How should we treat one another? What is the very nature of life itself?
For me, life is carrying the dead body of a miserable old woman down a hillside with four other men and a child molester.
Part 2.
It was a very pretty day for a burial. It was in the mid-50’s, and it was sunny, a bit breezy but nice.
I did not manage to find a replacement pallbearer to stand in my place. Rather, there were seven pallbearers. My great aunt was a big woman.
My stepfather was fantastic in keeping me from having to stand beside or near the child molester. He was on one side of the casket with two other people, my stepfather and I were on the other side with two other guys. I did not speak or make eye contact with the pervert.
It was my first time serving as a pallbearer for anyone. It wasn’t so bad, but it was disconcerting to be able to feel the “contents” of the casket shifting inside. I imagine I will be called upon to bear the pall of others many more times in the future.
The graveside service was pathetic. The preacher was late and didn’t even know the name of the person being buried. The whole thing was over in five to ten minutes. It took longer than that for everyone to arrive, since there was a wrong signal and the funeral procession left the funeral home before half the people had even shown up. I guess when you’ve lived a shitty life, it only makes sense that people give you a shitty send-off to the great beyond.
The funeral proper, which was last night, was also pretty pathetic. A grand total of fifteen people showed up, and the preacher was late for that, too.
After the graveside service this afternoon, I was the first person to leave. I went to my grandmother’s house and offered to take her out to eat at the local Chinese restaurant. (The deceased had been a sister of my grandfather’s, and he and my grandmother got a divorce decades ago.) It was a nice lunch. I took her back home, then came home to unwind. I put on a pot of Gevalia and changed into sweats and a t-shirt, and now I’m trying to push everything out of my mind.
The preacher gave his usual rant against homosexuals at church this morning, but I don’t feel like talking about that right now.
All in all it’s been a pretty shitty day, as expected.
Part 3.
You never knew the finer things of life
I’m sure you knew things you never brought to light
A child in an adult’s body,
They used you
They had their way with you
They took you for granted and ridiculed you
I used to think you were their indentured servant, did you know that?
If I would have told you, would you have even known what that meant?
They took as much as possible
and returned as little as they could manage
They never gave you a chance
and leeched all they could from you
I used to think you owed them something, did you know that?
Had you ever considered that it was they who owed you?
Abandoned by an unfaithful lover
and left to drift in broken dreams of false yesterdays
Playing dress-up with Wal-Mart scraps and second-hand mascara
Sequestered to that little room for decades and decades
I used to think you’d find a happy ending, did you know that?
If I told you how they treated you in death, would you be surprised?
Forbidden from sitting on the “good” furniture
Forbidden from eating at the same table as them
Forbidden from answering the telephone
Forbidden from acting like a human being
I used to wonder why they had you wash in their used water, did you know that?
If I asked you your dreams, would they include drawing your own bath?
You found your happiness in tins of snuff
In little bottles of cheap perfume
In dollar-store figurines and statuettes
Afterthought mementos to keep you pacified
You knew so little about life
but now you know more about death than any of us
On the Event of the DJIA Reaching 13,000…
The following article is not mine; I simply added the pictures. This is about a statement made by the Federal Reserve, reported on by the Associated Press, and reprinted on the Faux News website. I don’t think anyone will mind if I rehash some more.
Federal Reserve Survey Shows Moderate Economic Growth
Associated Press
WASHINGTON — Most parts of the country logged moderate economic growth in the early spring, despite sluggish manufacturing largely due to the housing slump.
The fresh snapshot of the national economy, released Wednesday by the Federal Reserve, found that “manufacturing activity was slow” in many areas and that “residential real estate activity continued to weaken, with sales declining in many districts and flat in a number of others.”
Overall, most regions reported “only modest or moderate expansions,” the Fed said. There were some exceptions, though. The Minneapolis region reported “firm growth” and the Dallas region characterized economic activity as “moderately strong.”
Information from the survey will figure into discussions at the central bank’s next meeting on May 9. Many economists predict the Fed will continue to hold a key interest rate at 5.25 percent, where it has stood since last June. Before taking a breather, the Fed had steadily boosted rates for two years to ward off inflation.
On the inflation front, the Fed survey found that “consumer prices remained generally stable, with some districts experiencing only modest price increases.”
Still, businesses had to cope with higher prices for fuel and raw materials such as metals. As a result, some manufacturers in the Fed regions of Boston, Cleveland, Chicago and Dallas boosted prices to their customers, the report said.
Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke and his colleagues have said that the biggest risk to the economy is if inflation doesn’t recede as they currently predict. The hope is that inflation will ease as economic growth slows.
So far, the slowing economy hasn’t derailed the jobs market.
The Fed survey found that businesses in most regions reported strong demand for workers, especially for those with certain skills. However, workers for the most part saw modest wage gains, the report said.
Where Did I Go?
I’m working on goodies, poppets. Back soon.
One Year Anniversary Post!
A couple of days ago was my one-year anniversary of blogging here at Blogger. I enjoy blogging in general, it’s a good outlet for creativity, but it’s also a nice chance to meet some interesting people. All in all, it’s been a positive experience, much more positive than what I experienced at the worst blogging site in the world. (Note that I have not and will not link to that place, so instead, enjoy this link to a Japanese anime character spinning a leek while singing a jaunty polka.)
I’ve decided to do a retrospective sort of post by linking to ten of my favorite posts. In chronological order, here are some gems from the wastebasket:
- The Children of Loki.
- In Which The Author Enumerates The Various Evils of Moustaches.
- Why I Like Gay Sex.
- Actual Things I Have Said On My Daily Commute To/From Work.
- The Dregs of Humanity.
- My Personal Zones.
- True Childhood Stories: How Not To Instill In Your Children a Love of Wild Game.
- Why Musicals Suck.
- Preaching My Funeral.
PancakePenis Awareness.
Thank you all for coming, and I look forward to sharing more of my bizarre detritus with you. Have a nice day! *air kisses*
Adventures at Work / Freaky Friday Double Feature: Hot Guy vs. Pee Shy
WARNING: This story is fairly graphic and decidedly not safe for work. Actually, I don’t think this blog is very safe for work, so if you’re currently on the clock, leave now. I will not have your pink slip on my hands.
It is one of the great truisms of our times that IT personnel are unsexy. When you have a job that is highly stressful, entirely indoors, and largely stationary, you tend to end up with people becoming woefully out-of-shape and possessed of emotional problems. And, let’s face it: it’s really rare that people excel in both the physical and intellectual realms, and it takes some brains to do well in IT, so… do the math.
However, there are exceptions. There is this one fellow at work, a year younger than me, who is quite the well-rounded specimen of man. He’s intelligent and pretty cute as well, in a “sure I may be a frat guy, but it was an honors fraternity” sort of way. He’s a real go-getter, always friendly and very forward with the eye contact… at least with me he is.
See, I’d been getting some interesting signals from this guy. A group of six of us went out for lunch a couple of months back, and he sat across from me. He was pretty conversational, but I noticed that as we sat there, his foot wound up touching mine. It was a little awkward at first, so I pulled my foot slightly back, just so they weren’t touching, and continued in the conversation with my other coworkers without missing a beat. Well, he moved his foot again (either consciously or subconsciously, I couldn’t tell), and once again it was right against mine. It was at this point that I started to think that maybe it was intentional. I moved my foot again; a few minutes later, his foot moved back. This happened a total of 3 or 4 times, and by the time lunch was over, I was getting a definite vibe from this guy.
On another occasion, another group of us went to lunch, and once again he and I sat across from each other. There was no foot-touching this time, but at one point during the meal, he winked at me while we were talking. Now, it was unclear from the context of the conversation at the time whether this wink was just to emphasize some point, or if it was a “yes, I’m flirting with you” wink. Either way, I was a bit flabbergasted by this, but not in a wholly unpleasant way.
Well, a few days ago, I went to the bathroom at work and took a stand at the first urinal, the one by the sinks. I didn’t even have a chance to open my fly before you-know-who comes into the bathroom.
“Hey Josh, how’s it going?” he says as he walks by me. I am praying that he will go to one of the stalls. Please, for the love of God, go to one of the stalls.
He doesn’t.
“Oh hey… pretty good I guess.” He walks by me and assumes the position at a urinal. At this point, I am thankful for 1) divider walls between the urinals, and 2) the fact that he went to the urinal farthest from mine. I unzip and take a deep breath, dreading what I think is about to happen (or not happen, as the case may be). I hear him unzip, and a few seconds later, the sound of piss splashing in the urinal.
“Keeping busy?” he asks, breaking that most solemn taboo of don’t fucking talk to people while you (or they) take a leak. About 3 out of 4 men in my IT department seem to break this rule, much to my chagrin.
“Yeah, it’s been pretty crazy,” I reply, my dick hanging out in the breeze yet no urine issuing forth.
God.
Damned.
Bladder.
Utter silence, as I stare straight ahead and wait on some miraculous golden stream to issue forth and make me not look like a complete coward or freak or whatever. Uncomfortable silence. Well, silence except for the sound of the guy’s piss. I’m sure the silence from my end was pretty obvious.
Come on, you fucking shitty bladder, void God damn you.
Nothing, absolutely nothing. I tried forcing the urine out; I honest-to-God strained trying to somehow “push” the urine out, but I could not physically make myself go, no matter how badly I wanted to. And I had gone to the bathroom with a full bladder in the first fucking place.
Around ten uncomfortable seconds passed. My face glowing bright red, I repackaged the goods, zipped, and uttered something to try to save some kind of face.
“On second thought, I think I’ll use the stall.”
“Sounds like a good plan,” the guy responded, in a surprisingly somber tone. There was no mirth in his voice, but there was acknowledgement.
Acknowledgement of my failure.
My failure to piss.
My failure to piss while standing four feet away from him while he also pissed.
God damn it.
So now I don’t know if the word’s going to get out that I am unable to piss in the presence of others, or if his opinion of me has changed. Does he even know about paruresis? Does he know anyone else who suffered from it? Does he think that I might have been unable to piss for some other reason?
Stupid excretory system.
Hiatus for Material
At the request of my friends (and to entertain my own creative whim), I’m going to be devoting my spare cycles this week to the development of new material for my Ravenloft campaign. This weekend, the clouds will darken, the wind will howl, and the rain will lash against the windows, while a small group of friends huddles together in a dimly-lit room and shares stories of people driven through hubris or temptation to lofty isolation in the mortal coil.
Don’t worry, I should be back for Freaky Friday, and for a very special anniversary that also takes place the day after tomorrow.
Magic Eye!
Remember those magic eye pictures? Well here’s a chance to walk down memory lane. Click on the image and relax your eyes, and look for the image to emerge. This image is special, as it also has a secret message!
Good luck!
The Quaternion of April 16
It seems that 04/16 is a date that is destined to always be significant to me. There is an abundance of fours surrounding this date; the fourth month, and of course four fours are sixteen. Thus far, there are four ways that this date will always stand out in my mind.
Tax Day. Today is, of course, Tax Day, and the absolute final day that one could file taxes on last year’s income. I filed my taxes last month and have, in fact, already spent all my return. Well, except for the three $15 checks I’ve received from H&R Block for referring people to them. I need to get those cashed…
Grandmother’s Birthday. Today is my grandmother’s birthday; she turned a stately 68. I took her out to eat yesterday afternoon for the occasion, just me and her, and chipped in with my mom to get her a new Bunn coffee maker. I hope you will forgive my crass commercialism, but Bunn coffee makers are perhaps the best on the market. When you can’t have a French-pressed espresso from a high-end coffee shop, you can whip up a pot of your favorite regular-ass coffee in a Bunn coffee maker, and it’ll be ready in no time flat.
Coming-Out Anniversary. Today is the 3rd anniversary of my coming out to my immediate family. It was about 3-4 months after I figured out that I was gay, and it was actually unplanned. I’d been secretly going to counseling for a couple of months about it, and on this date in 2004, my mom spotted one of my appointment slips. When she saw it was for a counselor, she grew really concerned and pressed me to tell her what it was about. Well, I’d resolved that I wasn’t going to lie to anyone when asked directly about my preference, so after she went through the litany of “are you doing drugs” and “are you in trouble” and got to “are you gay”, that was the moment of truth. It was a very emotional evening, my poor mother was shocked, but she never even suggested any kind of rejection whatsoever. No one in my family has rejected me, and for that, I am very, very thankful.
Massacre at Virginia Tech. If you’ve not heard, a lone gunman went on a rampage at Virginia Tech, killing 33 people (including himself) and wounding 29. The details are still trickling in, but it was a particularly somber day today at work. Probably about half of the college graduates where I work went to VT, and many more have friends and family who attend. The school is uncomfortably close to here (probably about 2-3 hours away), and I was quite freaked out by the whole thing. I called Asa and spent some time with him on the phone; we told each other “I love you” and just pondered it all. He and mom both called me throughout the day as details came in, and every time it was devastating to hear the updates. When I learned that the gunman had chained the doors to the building shut so that people couldn’t get away, I felt sick. I would occasionally just stop and shudder at various points throughout the afternoon.
April 16th will have a permanent place in my memory.
The Old Popularity Index
